By Lester Cockenschtuff
Score: 1 corn kernel out of 4 in a steaming pile of excrement.
Any veteran of the summer blockbuster movie season knows that you have to approach a Michael Bay movie like you’re watching porn. The acting won’t be great, the script will be atrocious, and the premise of the movie will be downright laughable; but dammit, it’ll be entertaining!
But, similar to porno, Bay movies have the potential to take a quick turn from I-love-what-I’m-seeing-right-now! to What-are-they-going-to-do-to-that-poor-donkey?? faster than you can say “robot blackface”. Following the proud example of its predecessor, Transformers 3 managed to do just that.
T3 managed to start strong, with a Cybertronian ship called the Ark escaping from its planet’s civil war only to sustain heavy damage and land on the moon, prompting the space race of the 1960’s. Flash forward to present day and we’ve got giant robots traveling the world, shooting shit and breaking things. This is vintage Bay! I am highly entertained and crack another beer to celebrate.
But now we need a plot; a story arc to deliver us to the final showdown in Chicago. And so, after Bay barrages the press for three straight weeks claiming that this movie will undo the damages done by Transformers 2, that sycophantic assclown creates the atrocity that is the T3 “story line”. (I hold this man personally responsible for making me actually believe that this time was going to be different)
Now, I’m not saying that this movie wasn’t entertaining to a certain degree; but Michael Bay created a film so disjointedly irrational it would make Michael Bay blush.
About 3/4 of the way through the movie (or so I, and my beer filled bladder, thought) I had mentally created a list of the three most patently absurd things that had occurred so far. My choices were so outlandish I was sure they couldn’t be topped (example: Shia Lebeouf holding onto the outside of a robot fighter ship which fell 50 stories and exploded in a pile of twisted metal, then walking away from the flaming wreckage unscathed).
But we’re talking about Michael Bay here! Apparently he decided that he needed to bring the ending to the next level, blowing all of my previous choices out of the water. The height of the lunacy? **Minor spoiler alert (not really, this movie is a joke)** When Sam’s girlfriend, the walking tits with a face, essentially saves the world by tricking an ancient, sentient being (that has mastered space travel) into killing the main villain by using the elaborate ruse, “didn’t you want to be the boss-man?”
Fuck you Michael Bay.
