While senior writer Dick Pickles is taking a break for finals, freelance writer and frequent sweetactionpicks contributor Lester Cockenschtuff has offered to review of a burger that is so unhealthy that it is the equivalent of 54 slices of bacon. I would like to remind all readers that Lester is a seasoned and trained professional and that you should not, under any circumstances, try this at home. Without further hesitation...
The Carls Jr. Double Six Dollar Burger Mealby: By Lester Cockenschtuff
I would like to preface this review by telling you that my heart literally hurt after consuming this burger. To be sure, there is little doubt that I have consumed a greasier meal in my life; but the Double Six Dollar Burger has thoroughly impressed me.
Also, I would like to extend my heartfelt thanks to the rebellious employee who was generous enough to slip a single waffle fry into my box of plain, old fashioned, french fries. While I did not specifically ask for the waffle fry, I know that you only pursued this act of sedition so that during my subsequent visit I would be aware that waffle fries were a viable menu option. I am in your debt.
Back to business. The following is an account of dumping over a pound of beef and a half a pound of fries into my head.
9:48 PM – After an arduous day of getting drunk since 10 AM, I sit down with a burger and fry combo that boasts over 2,600 calories and 150 grams of fat . . . I am content.
9:49 PM – I regret not ordering chili on my burger.
(This burger is more formidable than it looks)
9:50 PM – The purging begins. I decide that the only way to handle this thing is as quickly and mindlessly as possible.
9:55 PM – Three quarters of the burgers is gone. I’ve left the fries untouched (except for the waffle fry) in order to wash down the burger, which is getting increasingly difficult to fit inside my beer filled gut.
9:57 PM – I get another beer out of the fridge.
10:05 PM – Mission accomplished. I’m pretty sure I experienced a beef induced black out towards the end.
(My left arm is tingling)
10:30 PM – After my initial thought that I could maintain some semblance of composure, I reduce myself to lying on the bed while moaning and clutching my torso. This continued until I passed out from exhaustion / gastrointestinal pain.
4:30 AM – I discover that, contrary to popular belief, consuming over 125% of your recommended daily sodium intake and then falling asleep without water next to your bed is a horrible way to wake up in the middle of the night.
7:30 AM – I rush to the bathroom for what I can only assume will be an atrocious morning heater; and discover that, despite not consuming any spicy food the day before, I manage to produce a horrifyingly piquant mash.
8:45 AM – Exhausted, sweaty, triumphant – I emerge from the bathroom and settle down to a two hour nap.
(it was love at first Bite)
The McGangbang also leads me to my next personal challenge and also the next READER CONTEST. During my next trip to McDonald's I will be ordering a double quarter-pounder with cheese. Only this time when I split it in half I will be filling the middle with a Big Mac.