KFC Grilled Chicken

OUTRAGED!
by Dick Pickles

There are only two things that really piss me off. The first is when someone makes fun of my name. There is nothing funny about being named Dick Pickles. The second is bad fast food...and I'm really pissed right now!!!

In KFC's latest attempt to reach out to the "healthy market" they have failed as miserably as Ryan Leaf's career. Colonel Sanders must be rolling over in his grave right now like a epileptic.

First, let me start with the sides: They were cold. The cheese in the mac and cheese was a disgusting excuse for even a powder based cheese substitute. The potato wedges were not cooked long enough to be crispy. Without that crunch, they are nothing more than a soggy mess of Idaho and lost all appeal. In fairness, the biscuit was cooked perfectly and flaked very nicely.

Now, onto the chicken...

Let me start by informing you that the chicken is not in fact "grilled". Unless my taste buds were lying to me, it was baked chicken that was put into a panini press to give it grill marks. Next, I never realized how small KFC pieces of chicken are without all that fried goodness smothering them. Naturally, I order the dark meat option of a drumstick and thigh, but the amount of chicken that was given to me was not enough to fill a worthless midget. The redeeming quality of the chicken was that it was served promptly, and was very hot.

Despite the overall disapointment that surrounded this meal, there were three bright points that I would like to highlight:

1) It must be April Vacation for highschools in the area because the restaurant was packed with the Hudson softball team; filled with ripe girls between the ages of 15-18. My instructions to some of these ladies: grow some, then dump 'em out.

2) My meal ended nicely because I was smart enough to order two Tacos (this location is a KFC/Taco Bell).

3) Think of the health benefits. As you can see below, Lady Mooseknuckle turned into a prime-time Dump 'em Out candidate after just one week of eating the healthier alternative.

The moral of this story is that if you are going to go for a chicken that isn't fried, go to one of the pros. I suggest Boston Market or Pollo Loco if one is in your area.

Good Chicken is sweet action! Bad Chicken causes the hate crimes!

In-N-Out Burger

In-N-Out Burger
by Lester Cockenschtuff

Cuisine – American
Price - $ (out of $$$$)

When you walk into an In-N-Out Burger the first thing you notice is the basic menu, which appears to have fries, three choices of burgers, and a drink. While the menu might look sparse, In-N-Out has made a name for itself by perfecting every item it sells.

Being a heterosexual male, I instinctively gravitate to the menu item with the most meat and choose Combo #1 for my dining experience. This entre consists of a Double-Double, french fries, and a drink – total cost $6.03.

When I place my order, the employee inquired as to whether or not I would like onions on my Double-Double. While this intuitively sounds appealing, it is merely a tactic designed to flush out person’s unfamiliar to In-N-Out’s non-menu items. The beauty of In-N-Out is that the deceptively simple menu does not embody the full range of combinations one can devise; and the jovial employees fully encourage the customer to let their creative juices flow when creating their platter.

Due to my hangover, I decide to stick with the basics and get my Double-Double Animal Style, which entails adding sautéed onions and 9 grams of fat in the form of special sauce. I also decide to keep the vegetables on the burger. While this may ruffle the feathers of those from the Pure-meat lobby, I find that the greenery helps enhance the overall flavor. It’s also important to note that a few tufts of lettuce can do nothing to dissuade the artery-clogging power of this culinary masterpiece. For a meal that boast over 59 total grams of fat, and 115% of you daily saturated fat intake, it’s as delicious as it is unhealthy.

The burger itself was succulent and sopping with grease; as much from the meat as the two monstrous pieces of melted cheese slathered on top of each patty. The vegetables on the burger were plentiful and fresh, putting lesser fast food eateries to shame. The fries, fresh cut and fried in vegetable oil, are crispy, piping hot, and contain an intangible homemade feel; unfortunately they are consistently outshined by the superb burger they share a tray with.

While In-N-Out advocates claim the restaurant creates the “best burgers ever,” I must disagree with this bold statement; but I will attest that they are the most delicious burgers at any fast food restaurant. The meal’s deliciousness, price, and greasy hangover-healing power left me with a fantastic overall dining experience, which I will give four stars (out of five).

DRUNKEN MADNESS!!!

DRUNKEN MADNESS!!!

by Dick Pickles

With all the excitement surrounding March Madness brackets as we head into Final Four weekend, the sweetactionpicks.com team decided that we would create a bracket competition for our favorite subject. That is why we are now bringing you the Booze Brackets for DRUNKEN MADNESS. Sweetactionpicks.com's staff has dedicated the majority of its adult life to finding the perfect sources of inebriation and now we share this knowledge with you. The seedings are based on our perception of the drinks popularity, while the way the reults play out is based purely on personal bias. The brackets are broken up into four groups which include the Dark Liquor Bracket, the Beer Bracket, the Clear Liquor Bracket and, of course, the always dangerous Blackout Bracket.

THE DARK LIQUOR BRACKET:

1. Jack and Coke vs. 16. Mint Julep: This is as big of a blowout as one would expect a 1v16 matchup to be. Mint Juleps are gayer than AIDS.

8. Southern Comfort Shots vs. 9. Bourbon on the Rocks: Bourbon on the rocks pulls off the slight upset due to its higher enjoyment level and alcohol content. (editor's note: if you are at a college party SoCo wins because college girls are dumb and will take their tops off if they drink it).

5. Scotch and Water vs. 12. Mount Gay and Ginger Ale: Mount Gay wins this battle handily. If you've never tried this drink before, due yourself a favor and give it a shot. Also, despite its popularity among the alcoholic and old, scotch with water does not "enhance" the taste. It just makes you want to vomit in your mouth.

4. Manhattans vs. 13. Lynchburg Lemonade: L.L is a novel idea and I appreciate its effort to trick women into drinking whiskey. Despite these efforts, Manhattans prevail in a relatively easy battle.

6. Whiskey Sour vs. 11. Dark and Stormy: A close battle, but whiskey sours win for one simple reason: anytime you are drinking them; wherever you are instantly becomes classier.

3. Dewars on the Rocks vs. 14. Bourbon and Sprite: Bourbon and Sprite made this tournament because of an automatic bid from a small conference.

7. Seven and Seven vs. 10. Irish Coffee: Irish coffee adds an unexpected element to the dark liquor category, but it isn't enough to beat the drink that our sweetactionpicks President and CEO has termed "Blackout Magic" for its alcoholic powers.

2. Captain and Coke vs. 15. Jack and Coke Float: In what was almost the biggest upset of the tournament, the Captain narrowly squeaks by for its ability to sustain throughout the night. The Floats is a one and done novelty.

1. Jack and Coke vs. 9. Bourbon on the Rocks: No contest. A better version of the same liquor.

4. Manhattans vs. 12. Mount Gay and Ginger Ale: Manhattans continue their easy road through the tournament as they make their way through to the Sloppy Sixteen.

3. Dewars on the Rocks vs. 6. Whiskey Sour: Scotch on the rocks may be seen as a classier option, but c'mon! I know I'm risking pissing off the great Ron Burgundy but there's nothing classier than a Whiskey Sour.

2. Captain and Coke vs. 7. Seven and Seven: If you are 18 years old or female, then you probably can't believe this upset. If you like the way alcohol tastes and don't want the option that most closely resembles a cream soda, you probably aren't too shocked.

1. Jack and Coke vs. 4. Manhattans: Both of these drinks start with the same basic ingredient: Bourbon. One of them takes that bourbon and mixes it with more alcohol and the other doesn't. Need I explain further???

6. Whiskey Sour vs. 7. Seven and Seven: Eventually being classy can only take you so far as this win for 7s proves. I wish I could remember why I love them so much, but I really don't think I've ever had them without blacking out. Do they put roofies in these things?

4. Manhattans vs. 7. Seven and Seven: Cinderalla's slipper has fallen off for the 7s as the Manhattan bulls its way into the Fallin' on the Floor Four. Of course, if I've had too many 7&7's and all thats falling off are my shoes, I consider it win.

BEER BRACKET

1. Budweiser vs. 16. Fosters: It is nicknamed the King of Beers you dumb shit. It doesn't lose in the first round.

8. Killians vs. 9. Miller Genuine Draft: MGD has wet dreams that it can offer the taste and aroma of Killians.

5. Corona vs. 12. Pabst Blue Ribbon: Many outside of sweetactionpicks would figure this an upset, but PBR has been such a good friend for so long that we can't turn our drunken back on them now.

4. Sam Adams vs. 13. Pilsner Urquell: PU from Czech made the bracket out of respect for it being the grandfather of modern beers. Still, it hasnt improved since it came out and a pilsner stands no chance against a thick, hearty lager.

6. Amstel Light vs. 11. Stella Artois: Stella is the perfect non-light, light beer.

3. Heineken vs. 14. Yuengling: If you are unfamiliar with this beverage than go to PA and order it by its name, "Lager". Its a wonderful regional beer that is making its way down south and hopefully will make it up to Boston soon. Heineken, by the way, is sponsored by P-Diddy Puff Puff and loved by gays everywhere.

7. Dos Equis vs. 10. Coors Original: XX is close to XXX and porn is cool. So Dos Equis wins.

2. Guinness vs. 15. Tsingtao: Watch a Guinness pour and you can get lost in its beauty. One of the few things that the Irish don't F up.

1. Budweiser vs. 8. Killians: An upset only in terms of seeding as the King goes down to a St. Patty's Day staple.

4. Sam Adams vs. 12. Pabst Blue Ribbon: PBR is good enough to take out watered down mexican piss water in round one, but gets blown out in this matchup against the pride of Boston.

11. Stella Artois vs. 14. Yuengling: Its not everyday that a fourteen seed makes it all the way to the Sloppy Sixteen, but this local favorite has the goods. Go try one.

2. Guinness vs. 7. Dos Equis: Guinness is know as "the perfect pint" among its fans. Dos Equis' biggest fans can't even speak English.

4. Sam Adams vs. 8. Killians: Two rich lagers clash in this matchup but Sam Adams offers to much flavor and a crisp aftertaste that helps it edge out George's beer.

2. Guinness vs. 14. Yuengling: I did a quick search on Guinness and this quote came up from a loyal female drinker: "the mere name evokes the warm dark smoky ambience of an Irish country pub, raucous and lively celtic music, and those sweet private mid-morning lactation sessions with myself and my first-born...". Sorry Yuengling, but you never were that good.

2. Guinness vs. 4. Sam Adams: When it comes time to choose a winner here it comes down to personal preference. With that said, I enjoy the bitter of a Sam to the smoothness of Guinness as it takes the second spot in the Fallin' on the Floor Four!

CLEAR LIQUOR BRACKET

1. Martini vs. 16. 99 Bananas shots: Shaken. Not Stirred.

8. Strawberry Daquari vs. 9, Mai Tai: Both of these drinks are adored by homos. (this will be a theme in the clear liquor bracket). At least Mai Tais pack a serious punch (pun intended).

5. Champagne vs. 12. Cape Codders: The Cape Cod is one of the tastiest drinks in the clear liquor bracket. What helps it stands out so well is that it is one of the few in this category that has a tart taste instead of being overwhelmingly sweet.

4. Vodka Tonic vs. 13. Mimosa: Mimosas are limited to a breakfast drink and just lack the versatility to compete in this setting.

6. Mojito vs. 11. Jell Shots: In honor of my friend Raif and his strict policy that Jello Shots can only be taken in pairs, they knock of the higher seeded minty disapointment that is the Mojito.

3. Gin and Tonic vs. 14. Franzia Boxed Wine: Sunset Blush: I may catch a lot of shit for this, but the "G&T" just doesn't cut it for me. I don't think I've ever purposefully bought one, and if one is bought for me I drink it begrudgingly.

7. Pina Colada vs. 10. Screwdriver: The upsets continue in the clear liquor bracket as the field is wide open with so few dominant players. The Screwdriver brings many of us back to the days and fond memories of being teenagers.

2. Margaritas vs. 15. Tom Collins: Tommy like wingy; but Tommy doesn't like Tom Collins.

1. Martini vs. 9. Mai Tai: C'mon, no drink has an easier road to the Sloppy Sixteen than the Martini...and I'm not even a huge fan.
4. Vodka Tonic vs. 12. Cape Codders: I like both of these drinks but the Vodka Tonic has a higher wastability rating. (editor's note: wastability is my inability to stand).

11. Jello Shots vs. 14. Franzia Boxed Wine: Sunset Blush: When I was (very) drunk in college I invented a popular drink whilst (very) drunk. I poured a shot of Jaegermeister into a half glass of the Blush and chugged it. Thus...the "Lowndes" was born. (editor's note: VERY drunk; and it caught on with one person, me).

2. Margaritas vs. 10. Screwdrivers: Margaritas come in all shapes, sizes and colors. Viva la Margarita!

1. Martini vs. 4. Vodka Tonic: What is a Martini other than a jazzed up Vodka Tonic? Well it also comes in a cool glass, is drunk by cool people, and women love them. Therefore they win this going away.

2. Margarita vs. 14. Franzia Boxed Wine: Sunset Blush: The road ends here for the underdog that is boxed wine.

1. Martini vs. 2. Margarita: An inevitable battle between the two heavyweights of the clears. Both are versitle and can get you schliterbanged in a hurry. I give the slight nod to the Martini with the third spot in the Fallin' on the Floor Four due to the Margaritas reliance on summer and inability to adapt to all seasons.

BLACKOUT BRACKET

1. Car Bombs vs. 16. 3 Wise Men Hunting Turkeys in Mexico: For those of you unfamiliar with the sixteen seed, it is a mixed shot of Jim Beam, Jack Daniels, Johnnie Walker, Wild Turkey, and Jose Cuervo. You can't use these to get drunk, you have to already be blacked out twice over to try it.

8. Jaeger Bombs vs. 9. Bacardi 151 Shots: Bacardi 151 shots are great in theory, but suck for drinking. If I'm going to be tasting something that awful I might as well just drink grain or absinthe. (editor's note: absinthe was purposefully left off the bracket because sweetactionpicks views it as much of a drug as a liquor).

5. Patron Shots vs. 12. Octane 190: Patron is the nectar of the Gods.

4. Jameson Shots vs. 13. Mad Dog 20/20: For those unfamiliar with the fortified wine that is MD 20/20, try the Blue Raz flavor. If the promise of blacking out for cheap isn't enough, the Raz label says "bling, bling" for no apparent reason. Still, no match for Jamos!

6. Long Island Iced Tea vs. 11. Boilermakers: What an amazing country we live in where you can mix vodka, tequilla, gin, rum, triple sec, sour mix, and cola and have it turn into something so delicious and potent. I bet it doesn't work in Canada.

3. Jaeger Shots vs. 14. Yukon Jack shots: I love Yukon Jack because after a long night of drinking it, my pal Van described it by saying, "Its just like 99 Bananas...except Bitches hate it". He then proceeded to finish the bottle in one large gulp. Still, no match for Jaeger.

7. White Russians vs. 10. Jungle Juice: This matchup went to 7 OTs and everyone left the battle puking and falling over. If I had to make this choice 5 years ago I probably would have gone the opposite direction, but I've matured since then. Now I'm so mature that I write about my alcoholism instead of just showing it off every night.

2. Red Bull Vodka vs. 15. Prarie Fire: A Prarie Fire is a shot of tequilla with hot sauce in it. Absolutely horrible and I've never taken one without puking.

1. Car Bombs vs. 8. Jaeger Bombs: The battle of the Bombs! (are we filming a porno or having a drink-off?). Well, the difference here is that Bailey's, Jameson, and Guinness come together to form a marriage of taste and texture. Meanwhile, Jaeger Bombs tend to be a way for people who are too pussy to drink Jaeger by itself to tell everyone they've been drinking Jaeger.

4. Jameson Shots vs. 5. Patron Shots: This one is too close to call and since Patron has recently treated me very well, I take its side as it edges its way into the Sloppy Sixteen.

3. Jaeger Shots vs. 6. Long Island Iced Teas: Something has to be a lot better than an L.I.T. to make it further than this in a bracket that is dominated by shots and drinks that are intended to be chugged.

2. Red Bull Vodka vs. 7. White Russians: Check this out: http://thugbot.net/features/lebowski/. Red Bull and Vodkas have never been the star of a movie this good (and never will be).

1. Car Bombs vs. 5. Patron Shots: Patron has reached the tequilla limit in this bracket and bows out to the number one seed Car Bombs as they roll their way into the Inebriated Eight. Patron didn't have a shot. (pun intended).

3. Jaeger Shots vs. 7. White Russians: While I use White Russians to black out on occasion, I must remember the true spirit of this bracket while deciding this matchup. Often times a White Russian is a sit and relax drink while if you're taking Jaeger shots, you only have one motive on your mind.

1. Car Bombs vs. 3. Jaeger Shots: The deer's blood drink that I've loved so dearly for so long loses out to the universal pleasure that is the Car Bomb. I had a very difficult time coming up with a winner here as they can both black you out so hard, so quickly. It is the mass commercial appeal aspect of Car Bombs the propel them into the Fallin' on the Floor Four.

DARK LIQUOR vs. CLEAR LIQUOR

1. Martini vs. 4. Manhattans: Despite its superior versatility, the Martini falls short in this match because quite frankly, what good is versatility when you have already achieved perfection. In short, a Martini is something that you drink if you want to show off to other people. A Manhattan is something that you drink if you want to show off to your taste buds.

BEER vs. BLACKOUT

1. Car Bombs vs. 4. Sam Adams: After knocking off Guinness the beer in the previous round, Sam Adams manages to knock off its step brother to move onto the finals. Sam Adams is the perfect sipping Lager and proves that it is more than just the best "beer" by taking out the blackout bracket champion.

DRUNKEN MADNESS FINALS!!!

4. Manhattans vs. 4. Sam Adams: After all the votes have been tallied and re-counted over and over again, Manhattans edge out Sam Adams for a variety of reasons. One: Alcohol content. Two: Boozability. Three: Blackout factor. Four: Did I mention alcohol content? Seriously, the Manhattan is the perfect drink for anyone who likes to get drunk without being full, wants to look cool, or just plain appreciates the fine taste of alcohol.

Congratulations to Manhattans and Manhattan fans everywhere!

The perfect Manhattan recipe:
1.5 parts Makers Mark Whiskey

1 part Sweet Vermouth

Slash of Cherry Juice

Two Maricino Cherries
Serve on the Rocks

I'm sure that the seedings and results will spark great controversy in the drinking community. Feel free to post your comments about which results pissed you off and let the great Booze Debate begin!

-sweetactionpicks.com-