TACO TUESDAY

Taco Tuesday
by Lester Cockenschtuff

For those of you that have never had the pleasure of trying Del Taco, it makes Taco Bell taste like Morton’s Steak House. In fact, the only reason I ever eat at the place is because every Tuesday they decide to sell three of their shitty tacos for a dollar. Even at that ridiculous price, I generally only eat at Del Taco four times a year for one reason: Del Taco is quite simply the most horrendous fast food establishment I have ever eaten at. Luckily the décor matches the food, with an interior resembles a Chuck E Cheese that the Easter Bunny took a pastel colored shit all over.

My general modus operandi is to order six tacos for $2.06 (with tax) and proceed to smother them in enough hot sauce to hide the cat food flavor. This never fails to leave me feeling depressed, with an acute sense of self-loathing; which is precisely why I choose to attempt this eat-fest after work. My instincts served me well, as I not only failed to complete the challenge, but was also rewarded with several trips to the bathroom for my trouble. I hated every part of this meal.

But I digress.

I sat down at about 6:10 to tackle my fifteen tacos. As previously mentioned, these are wretched food items. I didn’t know it was actually possible to make ground beef so simultaneously mushy and tasteless – there is a good reason these things are three for a dollar.

I was able to charge through my first nine tacos without my hesitation, but after number ten, things got hairy. Check out the picture below – that’s me realizing that taco number ten is exponentially more disgusting than taco number five. Upon said realization, I made my first pilgrimage to the porcelain god.

Two more bathroom trips were required to tackle the next three tacos, and at 7:02, thirteen tacos in, I finally called it quits. I welcome anyone to try this with Del Taco tacos – truly hideous food. I can safely say that I will never eat at that establishment again.

Official Stats:
Pounds of food consumed: 2.24
Calories: 2,860
Total Fat: 78g (122% of recommended daily value)
Saturated Fat: 20g (195% of recommended daily value)
Cholesterol: 260mg (88% of recommended daily value)
Sodium: 4290mg (178% of recommended daily value)
Vomited: Twice
Took a Shit to Make More Room: Once