The Magical Mystery Lunch: McDonald's Lobster Roll

After a well-deserved sabbatical I can't think of a better sandwich to make my triumphant return with than the McDonald's Lobster Roll.  I'd like to thank all of my fans for their unwavering support during the downtime.  To thank every one of our potentially dozen(s) of readers I'm coming up with a creative contest in the near future.  Without further adieu...

When I rolled up to the drive-thru window I was delighted to hear the first words through the static filled intercom were "Welcome to McDonald's.  Would you like to try a lobster roll?".  When I gleefully responded with an enthusiastic "YES I WOULD!" the voice on the other end sounded so surprised that he lost his train of through.  You see - I live in Massachusetts where the idea of going to McDonald's for a lobster roll is like going to Mexico and hitting up a Taco Bell, traveling to China and settling for Panda Express, or going to visit Sean Tate and ordering an O'Douls. You get the point.  Let's just say that I don't think they sell a lot of these.  

After ordering I pulled around and waited in my car.  It was 90 degrees on this hot summer day so the anticipation of sinking my teeth into a cool, satisfying lobster roll sounded sublime. I pulled around, paid the man a hefty sum for fast food, waiting patiently as they hand shucked a fresh New England lobster*, and grabbed the paper bag.

When I opened it here is what I received:


This of course led me to more questions than answers.  For instance, why does my lobster only fill half the roll?  What sort of genetic defect did this lobster have to cause its claw to be so awkwardly small?  What deformed sea animal from the deep ocean floor am I about to really chow down on?  Or is it actually just tofu with pink sprinkles?  I had no idea what I was about eat, but I did know that my forehead with pooling with sweat and my insides were trembling with fear.



For comparisons sake - here is what the ad looks like:


Notice that both have the signature "lobster claw" on top.  Its just that one of them looks like a lobster claw and the other looks like a mystery sea creature.



The sandwich itself was not terrible, but it was definitely the worst lobster roll I've ever eaten. The picture does not do it justice, but there was significantly more lettuce than lobster on this roll.  You'd bite through a small amount of meat and it would lead you to half a head of iceberg lettuce.  At least I can check this off my bucket list!

For anyone who was worried that I didn't get my fast food fix in you should not fret...I ordered a 2 cheeseburger meal to supplement my appetite.  An experienced fast-fooder like myself wouldn't make that kind of mistake on such a risky promotional product.

Pros: I thought it would be swimming in mayo and it was not

Cons: everything else

Rating: 1 out of 5 Pickles

*ok, ok. They cut open a plastic bag

Movie Review: Transformers 3: Dark of the Moon

Movie Review: Transformers 3: Dark of the Moon

By Lester Cockenschtuff

Score: 1 corn kernel out of 4 in a steaming pile of excrement.

Any veteran of the summer blockbuster movie season knows that you have to approach a Michael Bay movie like you’re watching porn. The acting won’t be great, the script will be atrocious, and the premise of the movie will be downright laughable; but dammit, it’ll be entertaining!

But, similar to porno, Bay movies have the potential to take a quick turn from I-love-what-I’m-seeing-right-now! to What-are-they-going-to-do-to-that-poor-donkey?? faster than you can say “robot blackface”. Following the proud example of its predecessor, Transformers 3 managed to do just that.

T3 managed to start strong, with a Cybertronian ship called the Ark escaping from its planet’s civil war only to sustain heavy damage and land on the moon, prompting the space race of the 1960’s. Flash forward to present day and we’ve got giant robots traveling the world, shooting shit and breaking things. This is vintage Bay! I am highly entertained and crack another beer to celebrate.

But now we need a plot; a story arc to deliver us to the final showdown in Chicago. And so, after Bay barrages the press for three straight weeks claiming that this movie will undo the damages done by Transformers 2, that sycophantic assclown creates the atrocity that is the T3 “story line”. (I hold this man personally responsible for making me actually believe that this time was going to be different)

Now, I’m not saying that this movie wasn’t entertaining to a certain degree; but Michael Bay created a film so disjointedly irrational it would make Michael Bay blush.

About 3/4 of the way through the movie (or so I, and my beer filled bladder, thought) I had mentally created a list of the three most patently absurd things that had occurred so far. My choices were so outlandish I was sure they couldn’t be topped (example: Shia Lebeouf holding onto the outside of a robot fighter ship which fell 50 stories and exploded in a pile of twisted metal, then walking away from the flaming wreckage unscathed).

But we’re talking about Michael Bay here! Apparently he decided that he needed to bring the ending to the next level, blowing all of my previous choices out of the water. The height of the lunacy? **Minor spoiler alert (not really, this movie is a joke)** When Sam’s girlfriend, the walking tits with a face, essentially saves the world by tricking an ancient, sentient being (that has mastered space travel) into killing the main villain by using the elaborate ruse, “didn’t you want to be the boss-man?”

Fuck you Michael Bay.

CHAMPIONSHIP WEEKEND

Let's hope that for the sake of your wallet you have not been following the advice of sweetactionpicks thus far. But this is the week we turn it around with a 4/4 showing!

Sunday 3pm game

GREEN BAY (-2.5) @ Chicago; over 43.5

The Packers offense has looked so dominant the last couple weeks that it is hard to imagine them losing to anyone at this point. They've found a running game with Starks that has complemented the impressive play of Rodgers and his talented group of veteran receivers. I see this offense putting up over 30 points against the Bears defense. On the other side, the Bears still have not shown me much this season. Sure, they won at home against the Seahawks, but thats something that some college teams could accomplish. If you look at their schedule they only have two impressive wins (early in the year against GB and late in the season against the Jets) but have folded in many other big games, highlighted by the home beating they took from the Patriots. Drink up Jay....Its gonna be a long day on Sunday!

Prediction: Packers 35; Bears 17

Sunday 6:30pm game

PITTSBURGH (-3.5) vs. New York; under 38.5

These two teams play a similar brand of football except the Steelers are better at each phase of it. Both are driven by their strong defenses, dominant running games, and timely play-action calls. In each of these areas I would rather have the Pitt D, Mendenhall, and Mr Nomeansyes over the Jets D, LT, and Dirty Sanchez.

While I will admit a little bit of hesitation based on the late-season win by the Jets versus the Steelers, it is important to realize that Polamolu was missing from that game. Without him in the lineup the Steelers D is a different animal.

Prediction: Steelers 20; Jets 10

DIVISIONAL ROUND PLAYOFFS

Saturday 4:30pm game

BALTIMORE (+3.5) @ Pittsburgh; under 36.5

These two teams are so evenly matched that it is impossible not to take the points. Each of the last 4 matchups between these teams have been decided by three points or less and both games this year have gone under. I wouldn't expect the cold weather to help open up the offense. Instead, both teams will focus on the run and try to make this a battle of field position. Another thing these two teams have in common is that their fans are all fat losers.

Prediction: Steelers 16; Ravens 13

Saturday 8:00pm game

GREEN BAY (+1.5) @ Atlanta; over 45.5

The Packers are peaking at just the right time. They finished the regular season as strong as any team and kept the momentum going in Philadelphia. With a running game now available, Rodgers has been more effective then ever off the play action. The Falcons rely on a conservative game plan that doesn't work well in the playoffs. I'm afraid that Coach Smith will soon be thought of as another Schottenheimer or Turner if he doesn't realize how to adjust his style. They were exposed in the week 16 home game against the Saints as a team that couldn't dominate when they needed to. The need the kind of "killer instinct" they had when Vick was on the team.

I expect Green Bay to pull away early as the Falcons are in a position where they have to abandon the run game to try to catch up.

Prediction: Packers 28; Falcons 24

Sunday 1:00pm game

SEATTLE (+10.5) @ Chicago; under 40.5

The week of the road underdogs continues with the Seahawks. While Seattle struggled on the road for most of the year, they had an impressive 23-20 victory in Chicago. Their defense caused big problems for Chicago's offensive line by blitzing from the outside with defensive backs and caused pressure on Cutler. I don't believe that Lovie Smith is a good enough coach to make the adjustments and Cry Baby Jay will force some throws to lead to interceptions, thus not allowing them to score a lot.

Despite this I still think that the Bears will prevail in a tight defensive battle. the Seahawks offense is unable to produce enough in the outdoor, cold weather environment.

Prediction: Bears 20; Seahawks 14

Sunday 4:30pm game

NEW ENGLAND (-8.5) vs. New York; over 45.5

Last time the Jets traveled to Foxboro it was hyped as the clash between the two best teams in the AFC. During that contest NY was exposed as a team with a shaky QB, an over-rated defense, and a loud-mouth coach. He needs to keep his mind on the game plan and off his post game plans.

The Jets approached the last game trying to establish the pass which was clearly a mistake. I think they will approach this game with a mindset more focused on the run and be able to put up more than the 3 points they squeaked out with in that game. This will take pressure off Sanchez and put it squarely on the D. The problem for them is that their defense was built to stop a Randy Moss offense. They thrive on using Revis to shut down one receiver and let the rest of their defense blitz and create turnovers. But with Moss gone the Pats have too many weapons for NY to stop. Cromartie and Revis will essentially take Branch and Welker out, but the two rookie TEs will dominate down the middle against slower linebackers and safties. They will take advantage of the Jets blitz packages with screen and misdirections plays. Expect a high scoring game with Sanchez and the Jets unable to keep up.

Prediction: Patriots 41; Jets 23

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