AND THE WINNER IS...

I would like to thank everyone for there submissions (ever though many of them were terrible and required no thought; c'mon d-bags). In the illustrious history of sweetactionpicks.com we have never had a contest that has received so much buzz and interest. I will not be writing extensively on the burger but instead will tell you that once I got around the daunting task of fitting my mouth around it, the experience was divine. I strongly recommend this sandwich to anyone with a big appetite.

(that expression you see is pure joy)

Since there was no one entry that came through as a clear cut winner, I created a grading system based upon each category of offensiveness, creativity, and humor worth five points each.

Now, I will go through each entry from worst to first:

The How's Ya Fathah? (0,0,0), 0 Points: This entry was not offensive, funny, or creative. It earned the distinction of worst entry!

The PapelBurger (0,1,0), 1 Point: While I appreciate any reference to my beloved Sox closer, this was not the competition for this entry.

You Alone Made Us Lose To The Colts In January 2007 By Not Coming To My House To Watch The Game Like You Did For The Other Two Playoff Games Where We Were Underdogs But Still Managed To Win!!! (0,0,1), 1 Point: This is probably only funny to me because I've been getting shit for this ever since that game.

Holcomb's Worst Idea (After Pink Shirts) (0,0,1), 1 Point: This entry was a personal attack at my impeccable fashion sense. For shame.
The Peter Griffin (0,0,1), 1 Point

The Awesome-O (0,1,1), 2 Points

The McGangbang Lite (2,0,0), 2 Points: While this entry gained some points for its offensiveness, I feel that I should have deducted points for creativeness. A retard with head trauma could have come up with this entry

The McPoopypants (1,1,1), 3 Points: Poop is funny.

The McStreetWalker (1,1,1), 3 Points

The Suck It (2,0,1), 3 Points

The Meatwad (0,2,1), 3 Points: If anyone isn't aware this entry is a reference to the show Aqua Teen Hunger Force which is a personal favorite of mine and that explains why it reached 3 points.

The Poopwich (1,2,2), 5 Points: Poop is still funny.

The Obesewich (1,3,2), 6 Points

Daddy Daycare (1,2,5), 8 Points: This entry makes absolutely no sense whatsoever, but everyone who I've spoken with has laughed when they hear it. Therefore, it achieved a respectable score by receiving a perfect 5 for being humorous.

Emannual Lewis Floating In The Toilet (2,3,3), 8 Points:

The Interracial Tall Stack (3,2,3), 8 Points: A solid, yet unspectacular overall entry.

Big “McGangbang” Machine (Pronounced Mak-sheeen) (1,5,3), 9 Points: Carried by its creativity, I loved the use of the McGangbang and the pronunciation to differentiate this entry. Still, needed to be a lot more offensive to catch my attention.

The McManus Burger (1,5,3), 9 Points: This one is hilarious to those who attended Bromfield but lacks the commercial appeal to be a serious contender.

The Richard McBeef (3,5,1), 9 Points: Google Richard McBeef if you don't know why this scored so high.

A N's Last Meal (5,2,3), 10 Points

The Plunger Stimulus Package (1,5,4), 10 Points

Ruben Studdard In A Bun (2,3,5), 10 Points: Cause he's fat...get it?

Shaq's Meat Missile (5,2,3), 10 Points: Cause he's got a huge cock...get it?

4 All Beef Patties, Special Sauce and Diarrhea (3,4,4), 11 Points: This may have been able to score higher if the last line in fact came true.

Colon Mustard's Last Stand (2,5,4), 11 Points: Just a great entry. Loved everything about it.

The Liza McSmelly (2,5,4), 11 Points: This entry has everything but offensiveness. Still, should the winner be unable to fulfill her duties the Liza McSmelly will take the pageant crown as the first runner-up.

The McBukkake (5,3,4), 12 Points: Congratulations to TIM from NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK for winning the contest with this entry. It would have been a travesty to not award this to an entry that started with "Mc" and this was by far the best of the bunch and led the way in terms of offensiveness. You will receive your t-shirt in the next 6-8 weeks (or when I see you).

-Dick Pickles

A LOVE LETTER: BACON CHEESY POTATO BURRITO

July 10, 2009

Dearest Taco Bell,

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways:
1) Cheese Sauce
2) Seasoned Meat
3) Crispy Potatoes
4) Bacon

(it was love at first Bite)

I could go on but you had me at bacon. All of your ingredient mixed together in a warm flour tortilla was wonderful. Seeing your sign as I drive through Hudson makes my day, every day. Your ability to somehow fit bacon into each and every bite took my breath away. I'll never know how you manage to keep your potatoes so crispy despite being smothered in all those softer ingredients but I know you do it for me. It is in your ability to mix so many strong flavors that caught my eye when I was a young lad and your ability to keep things spicy over the years has kept me eternally by your side. Even when I take a bite and know that it was way too salty, I know that you were only trying too hard to please me. Please don't ever change.

"'Cause we belong together now,

Forever united here somehow,

You got a piece of me...and honestly,

My life would suck without you."

Forever Yours With Love,

Dick Pickles

The Carls Jr. Double Six Dollar Burger Meal

While senior writer Dick Pickles is taking a break for finals, freelance writer and frequent sweetactionpicks contributor Lester Cockenschtuff has offered to review of a burger that is so unhealthy that it is the equivalent of 54 slices of bacon. I would like to remind all readers that Lester is a seasoned and trained professional and that you should not, under any circumstances, try this at home. Without further hesitation...


The Carls Jr. Double Six Dollar Burger Meal
by: By Lester Cockenschtuff

I would like to preface this review by telling you that my heart literally hurt after consuming this burger. To be sure, there is little doubt that I have consumed a greasier meal in my life; but the Double Six Dollar Burger has thoroughly impressed me.

Also, I would like to extend my heartfelt thanks to the rebellious employee who was generous enough to slip a single waffle fry into my box of plain, old fashioned, french fries. While I did not specifically ask for the waffle fry, I know that you only pursued this act of sedition so that during my subsequent visit I would be aware that waffle fries were a viable menu option. I am in your debt.

Back to business. The following is an account of dumping over a pound of beef and a half a pound of fries into my head.

9:48 PM – After an arduous day of getting drunk since 10 AM, I sit down with a burger and fry combo that boasts over 2,600 calories and 150 grams of fat . . . I am content.

9:49 PM – I regret not ordering chili on my burger.

(This burger is more formidable than it looks)

9:50 PM – The purging begins. I decide that the only way to handle this thing is as quickly and mindlessly as possible.

9:55 PM – Three quarters of the burgers is gone. I’ve left the fries untouched (except for the waffle fry) in order to wash down the burger, which is getting increasingly difficult to fit inside my beer filled gut.

9:57 PM – I get another beer out of the fridge.

10:05 PM – Mission accomplished. I’m pretty sure I experienced a beef induced black out towards the end.

(My left arm is tingling)

10:30 PM – After my initial thought that I could maintain some semblance of composure, I reduce myself to lying on the bed while moaning and clutching my torso. This continued until I passed out from exhaustion / gastrointestinal pain.

4:30 AM – I discover that, contrary to popular belief, consuming over 125% of your recommended daily sodium intake and then falling asleep without water next to your bed is a horrible way to wake up in the middle of the night.

7:30 AM – I rush to the bathroom for what I can only assume will be an atrocious morning heater; and discover that, despite not consuming any spicy food the day before, I manage to produce a horrifyingly piquant mash.

8:45 AM – Exhausted, sweaty, triumphant – I emerge from the bathroom and settle down to a two hour nap.