Week Eleven NFL Picks

WEEK 11 NFL PICKS

LOCK OF THE WEEK

PIT (-9.5) vs. KC

Before last week's surprise loss to the Bengals, the Steelers were finally starting to look like the defending Super Bowl champions. They had taken 5 straight by 8 or more points and 3 of those games were against division leaders. Even including last week's loss the defense has looked dominant (don't forget the Bengals got their big score on a kickoff return) and has been able to rattle the opposing teams' QBs. The Chiefs are coming off a win, but can you really get excited about a W over the Raiders? They have been a constant in the news with the Johnson controversy, recently suspended top offensive threats Bowe for drug violations, and are out of playmakers. I think that this one could easily be a shutout and that the Steelers will put up around 28 points. LOCK DOWN!

Thursday 8:20pm Game

CAR (-3.5) vs. MIA

The loss of Ronnie Brown will eliminate a lot of the Wildcat formations in the Dolphins playbook which will put a lot of pressure on young QB Chad Henne. I think that with the proper weapons he would be able to hold his own, but Ginn and the rest of the WRs have shown Miami very little and upgrading that position should be their number one priority during the offseason. Carolina seems to be going in the right direction at this time in the season. They have won 4 of the last 6 and have also taken 3 in a row ATS. Additionally, I love promoting the overs in games played on short weeks and this one shouldn't be any different.

Sunday 1:00pm Games

DET (-3.5) vs. CLE

Yikes. Would I rather step in horse shit or dog shit? That's what I feel like picking between these two so let's just take the home team and move on...

GB (-6.5) vs. SF

The 49ers have lost 5 of their last 7 games and the only two wins were against the Rams and against the Bears in a game that Jay Cutler handed to them on a silver platter. The team that we saw in the early weeks is far from the one we see now and the offense is so reliant on Gore's running that I don't see why any defensive coordinator wouldn't put 8 guys in the box to stuff it. I also feel as though the Packers are getting ready to go on a run after their impressive defensive effort against the Cowboys last week. We knew that they had an above average offensive unit but if their defense can play physical like that, look out.

WASH (+11.5) @ DAL

Despite Washington's shortcomings this season, they have only been outscored by more than 11 points this season one time. hey play a tough defense that keeps them in a lot of low scoring games. Also, I'd expect any division game with a rivalry like this one to remain close throughout and the Redskins are 6-2 ATS versus the Cowboys in their last 8 games played.

ATL (+6.5) @ NYG

This is a very tricky game to bet on. On the one hand, the Giants are coming off of a bye week, playing at home against a warm weather team, and are generally considered a more talented squad. On the other hand they have looked terrible recently, losing 4 straight games by a total of 52 points. Even with the Turner injury, I'm still going to side with the Falcons who have a good mix of run and pass and also hold a 6-3 record ATS this year. But honestly, I wouldn't bet this game.

NO (-11.5) @ TB

There's no way that I would bet against an 9-0 team against a 1-8 team unless the spread was in the 20's. Brees should have a field day against this defense and the ball-hawking Saints defense will force rookie QB Josh Freeman into numerous turnovers.

JAX (-8.5) vs. BUF

The Jaguars are quietly sneaking into playoff contention with a dominant rushing game complimented by a defense that is just good enough. Granted the competition they have beaten hasn't been the top of the league with victories over the Chiefs, Rams, Titans and Jets would indicate, but the Bills aren't better than any of those teams. I could easily see MJD rushing for 150 and two scores, carrying many fantasy owners to victory.

IND (+0.5) @ BAL

Wait!? A 9-0 team is getting points. This is incredible. The main argument to bet against Indy is that the Ravens are at home. Well, the Colts are 4-0 ATS in road games this season and have won six straight against the Ravens dating back to 2002 (this includes 3 games in Baltimore). I love this bet.

MIN (-11.5) vs. SEA

Minnesota has no problem blowing teams out this year so the line should not scare you. In fact, they have won 5 of 9 games this year by 12 or more points. Also, the Seahawks have played 4 road games so far this season and have lost by double digits in each one. Not surprisingly they are 0-4 ATS on the road this year. Trust in AP.

Sunday 4:05pm Game

ARZ (-8.5) @ STL

In another edition of "stats don't lie", the Cardinals are 4-0 ATS away from Arizona this year. Considering that they are generally considered a bad road team, this statistic surprised me. Another indicator for this game is that Arizona has won 5 straight against the Rams dating back to 2006.

Sunday 4:15pm Games

SD (-2.5) @ DEN

The Broncos are reeling, having lost 3 straight games by double digits. Despite the best efforts of McDaniels, the defense has been suspect recently and the offense doesn't have the firepower outside of Marshall to make up for this deficit. Meanwhile, the Chargers are hitting their stride with back-to-back impressive showings against the Giants and Eagles. Also worth noting in this fierce rivalry is that these teams have traditionally played very high scoring games, averaging 69 points per over the last 3 meetings.

CIN (-9.5) @ OAK

Its the Raiders so do I even need to explain this one? They average fewer than 10 points/game and haven't scored 20 since week one. Even though Russell is a big contributor to these problems I don't think he's the only one so the QB switch shouldn't suddenly give this offense life.

NE (-10.5) vs. NYJ

question: How many crying fat fucks does it take for me to refer to an entire team as a group of pussies?

answer: Just One.

Even leaving aside what a twat Rex looks like, I would expect the Patriots to come out and beat down any opponent they face. Coach Belichick has spent the whole week answering questions about his ability to coach anymore and I think that the Patriots come out and start the game by running strong against the overaggressive New York Pussies pass rush. This should help open up the passing game and I think that Belichick will not take his foot off the gas until they clock stops. Pats in a rout. I like the over here as well.

Sunday 8:20pm Game

CHI (+3.5) vs. PHI

Bears should have the upper hand being at home in front of a loud crowd for a night game and are 3-1 at home ATS. The Eagles this year are a bit of a mystery to me. They have seemed impressive at times, but if you look back at their schedule the only win over a team above .500 is against the Giants and suddenly that doesn't look as impressive as it did a month ago. I don't trust McNabb to carry the offense with Westbrook out. Of course, Cutler could end up throwing half a dozen picks again and ruin some people's evening.

Monday 8:30pm Game

TEN (+4.5) @ HOU

Can I say Vincanity??? Since taking over for Collins he has led the team to a 3-0 record, despite the defense still not playing as was expected of them. He can do anything! Also, the Texans are only 1-3 ATS at home and I'm not sure how this young squad will handle the pressure of playing at home in a nationally televised game. Vince can play under the lights almost as well as he can turn crappy merchandise.

TACO TUESDAY

Taco Tuesday
by Lester Cockenschtuff

For those of you that have never had the pleasure of trying Del Taco, it makes Taco Bell taste like Morton’s Steak House. In fact, the only reason I ever eat at the place is because every Tuesday they decide to sell three of their shitty tacos for a dollar. Even at that ridiculous price, I generally only eat at Del Taco four times a year for one reason: Del Taco is quite simply the most horrendous fast food establishment I have ever eaten at. Luckily the décor matches the food, with an interior resembles a Chuck E Cheese that the Easter Bunny took a pastel colored shit all over.

My general modus operandi is to order six tacos for $2.06 (with tax) and proceed to smother them in enough hot sauce to hide the cat food flavor. This never fails to leave me feeling depressed, with an acute sense of self-loathing; which is precisely why I choose to attempt this eat-fest after work. My instincts served me well, as I not only failed to complete the challenge, but was also rewarded with several trips to the bathroom for my trouble. I hated every part of this meal.

But I digress.

I sat down at about 6:10 to tackle my fifteen tacos. As previously mentioned, these are wretched food items. I didn’t know it was actually possible to make ground beef so simultaneously mushy and tasteless – there is a good reason these things are three for a dollar.

I was able to charge through my first nine tacos without my hesitation, but after number ten, things got hairy. Check out the picture below – that’s me realizing that taco number ten is exponentially more disgusting than taco number five. Upon said realization, I made my first pilgrimage to the porcelain god.

Two more bathroom trips were required to tackle the next three tacos, and at 7:02, thirteen tacos in, I finally called it quits. I welcome anyone to try this with Del Taco tacos – truly hideous food. I can safely say that I will never eat at that establishment again.

Official Stats:
Pounds of food consumed: 2.24
Calories: 2,860
Total Fat: 78g (122% of recommended daily value)
Saturated Fat: 20g (195% of recommended daily value)
Cholesterol: 260mg (88% of recommended daily value)
Sodium: 4290mg (178% of recommended daily value)
Vomited: Twice
Took a Shit to Make More Room: Once

Week Seven NFL Picks

WEEK 7 NFL PICKS

LOCK OF THE WEEK

SD (-4.5) @ KC

Don't let Kansas City fool you into thinking that they are a good team by finally getting a win last week. They still had trouble beating a team that is dealing with some coaching turmoil and did not look focused. Taking that game out of the equation, the only time the Chiefs have done lost by less than 4.5 points was to the Raiders. I'll let Ronald say what everyone is thinking...

On the other hand, the Chargers have won three straight contests against the Chiefs. They also have a clear advantage when you go through each roster where they have better players at almost every position. Their record of 2-3 is not impressive to date, but the level of competition that they have faced is. Lock it up!

Sunday 1pm games

GB (-7.5) @ CLE

The Packers really got it going on both sides of the ball last week with a dominating 26-0 win over the Lions. Rodgers looks to be the force that he was in the preseason when he was picking apart defenses with a high completion percentage to a number of receivers. With little history between these teams to help us predict, we need to rely on performance thus far this season and Green Bay has been vastly better.

HOU (-3.5) vs. SF

The preseason hype machine that was the Texans offense looks like it has finally gotten into the swing of things. Matt Schaub has looked dominant and since the opening weekend disappointment against the Jets they have put up and average of 27.2 points per game. I don't think that the 49ers offense can hang with that type of explosiveness. Also, despite the fast start to the season, if you look at the quality of San Fran's opponents it suddenly doesn't look as impressive.

IND (-13.5) @ STL

The Colts have won by 17 or more points in each of the last three weeks and each time it was against a tougher opponent than the Rams. I will still predict that we see an impressive fantasy performance from Stephen Jackson against the undersized Colts D.

MIN (+4.5) @ PIT

This should be a hell of a game and a hell of a shootout. The Vikings have gone over in every contest this season and the Steelers have gone over in each of their last four after the offense got rolling. Love the over. As for the game, I think that the way the Viking's offense can put up points both by running and passing that they should never be an underdog by more than a field goal.

NE (-14.5) vs. TB (game played in London)

Hi London! Here is what will probably end up being our most boring and lopsided game of the week. Here's a hot ref to make you feel better. The Bucs really suck and the Patriots just got their offense rolling. Start everyone on the Patriots in fantasy.

Sunday 4:05pm games

CAR (-7.5) vs. BUF

The Bills game was exciting last week and it was great that they got a surprise overtime win against the Jets, but that doesn't make up for the fact that they have averaged only 9 points per game over the last four weeks. Their defense has been playing with fire too. Despite not allowing a ton of points, they are allowing 352 yards/game including a pathetic 182 per game on the ground. Eventually they will get burned for that and I predict it will happen for Stewart and Williams this week.

OAK (+6.5) vs. NYJ

The Jets are reeling. Five picks for Sanchez has finally slowed down the hype and the defense has started to look vulnerable. I think this one will end up being low scoring and that the Raiders might even be able to pull off the outright win.

Sunday 4:15pm games

CHI (+1.5) @ CIN

If you look at both of these teams stats for the season they are very close in most categories. This one is essentially a coin flip and I will side with the Bears on a hunch. Nothing else here. I wouldn't bet on this game.

ATL (+3.5) @ DAL

The Cowboys continue to be giving points in games where it makes no sense. They are a hype machine with such a large fan base that Vegas knows it can put out ridiculous spreads because their large fan base will make it worth their while. The Falcons are 4-1 ATS against some good competition while the Cowboys are 3-2 overall and all their wins were against some of the poorer teams in the league.

NO (-6.5) vs. MIA

The Saints are 5-0 ATS and I'm a firm believer that you need to ride the hot teams. This is especially relevant for the Saints because they have the offensive firepower to make the amount of a spread obsolete.

Sunday 8:20pm game

NYG (-7.5) vs. ARZ

The Cardinals hate traveling East and they hate playing in cold weather. Plus, they have some serious injury concerns with Boldin's high ankle sprain to deal with. I think the Giants defense comes back pissed off after a lackluster performance against the Saints last week and slows the Cardinals passing attack. Arizona may get something going in garbage time so the fantasy numbers for Warner, Fitz, and Breaston should be good but by then the game will be decided.

Monday 8:30pm game

WASH (+7.5) vs. PHI

Despite the Eagle having what is generally perceived as the "better" team, the Redskins have won 3 of the last 4 meetings between these two including both games last year. They are also at home and despite some dysfunctionality, they have not been getting blown out in any game this year. The Eagles are coming off a loss to the Raiders where they looked absolutely helpless on offense. This is all a part of McNabb and his unreliable, whacky antics.

RECORD TO DATE

LOCK OF THE WEEK: 3-2

SEASON TO DATE: 45-45

LAST WEEK: 4-10 (OUCH!)

Week Six NFL Picks

WEEK 6 NFL PICKS
LOCK OF THE WEEK

1 pm games
CIN (-4.5) vs. Hou
GB (-13.5) vs. Det
MIN (-2.5) vs. BAL
NYG (+3.5) @ NO
CAR (-3.5) @ TB
WASH (-6.5) vs. KC
JAX (-9.5) vs. STL
CLE (+14.5) @ PIT

4:05 pm games
SEA (-2.5) vs. ARZ
PHI (-14.5) @ OAK

4:15 pm games
NYJ (-9.5) vs. BUF
TEN (+9.5) @ NE

8:20 pm games
CHI (+3.5) @ ATL

Monday Night 8:30pm game
DEN (+4.5) @ SD

Week Five NFL Picks

WEEK 5 NFL PICKS

LOCK OF THE WEEK

MIN (-10.5) @ STL

This is about as one-sided as a matchup can be. The Vikings boast a strong run defense and a dynamic, playmaking offense and the Rams are good at nothing. The Rams have lost by nineteen points or more in 3 of four games this season. I expect Adrian to have a monster game and win some fantasy matchups all by himself this week. I'm foaming at the mouth trying to get my wager in on this game. Lock it up!

Sunday 1:00pm games

BUF (-6.5) vs. CLE

yikes. who the hell is paying to see this game. stay away.

PIT (-10.5) @ DET

Just when it looked like the Lions had some momentum, they lose to the Bears by 24 points and suffer injuries to Stafford, Johnson, and Smith. Two of those three may play but they won't be one hundred percent and that is bad news for Lions fans (if they exist).

DAL (-8.5) @ KC

aaahhhhhhhh. The Chiefs suck. You can't get detailed analysis like that anywhere else!

OAK (+16.5) @ NYG

Just a hunch here. I think the Raiders D can keep this within two TDs, especially when considering the Giants injuries on offense. I'm not saying the Giants will lose, just that they won't win by two TD's and a field goal.

PHI (-13.5) vs. TB
The Eagles aren't as good as I thought they would be at the beginning of the season, but they are good at blowing bad teams out. Coming off a bye week they should be rested, healthy, and have a strong game plan. My only worry is that Any Reid will be distracted this week since McDonalds just brought back the Monopoly game. Just look at him fantasizing about his next Big Mac fix. and then the next one ten minutes later. and ten minutes later....

CAR (-3.5) vs. WASH

Looking for big things from the Panthers, also coming off a bye week. They finally get to face a weak team and I think that Williams will start to justify the preseason top ten fantasy pick people used on him.

BAL (-8.5) vs. CIN

OK Cincy...I'm a little pissed at you for blowing a two TD lead against the Browns and ruining my Lock of the Week from week four. Still, even if I wasn't upset I still wouldn't be able to bring myself to bet against the Ravens at home. They were good even against a tough Patriots team and could have won on the road if they had converted on a few big plays down the stretch.

Sunday 4:05pm game

SF (-2.5) vs. ATL

The Falcons showed against New England that they can be pushed around and intimidated by teams that are bigger and more intense. Those are the exact qualities that Singletary stresses to his surprising 49ers and they should use it well on Sunday. I really like this game.

Sunday 4:15pm games

JAX (+0.5) @ SEA

I love the Jaguars in this game. They seem to have found a passing game in the last couple weeks with Sims-Walker emerging as a legitimate threat. Also, the Seahawks season is beginning to look eerily similar to last season with Hasselbeck's injuries and losing some games that could go either way. Take a long look at the over as well. These teams both have sloppy defenses which could lead to some big plays.

HOU (+5.5) @ ARZ

The Texans defense showed up last week which was a bit of a surprise. Granted, it was against the Oakland circus but I still think they can build on that and win this game on the road. The Cardinals have been battling a lot of injuries and don't come close to resembling the offensive powerhouse that they were last season.

NE (-3.5) @ DEN

I absolutely love what the Patriots have done the last two weeks following an embarrassing loss to the Jets. They are controlling the ball on offense and playing a defensive style that is reminiscent of the early 2000's Patriot squads; bend, don't break. The offense may have gotten a little harder with Taylor's foot surgery, but New England has the ability to make up for that with quick throws to Welker. While, I have been impressed with the Broncos results to date, I have not been impressed with the competition they have faced. If they continue producing against the Pats then I will change my tune.

Sunday 8:20pm game

IND (-3.5) @ TEN

The Colts have won their past 3 ATS and are 4-0 overall. They should handle this game easily I think. While the Titans don't have much chance in the result of this game (in my opinion), I do think that Chris Johnson has the potential for huge fantasy production against a small Colts D.

Monday 8:30pm game

NYJ (-1.5) @ MIA

Bet the under. Both of these teams are built around a strong defense and a clock killing, controlled running game. They went under in both matchups last season and have both improved their defenses, whether thru player or coach acquisitions

RECORD TO DATE:

LOCK OF THE WEEK: 2-2

OVERALL: 37-25

LAST WEEK: 8-6

AL CAPONE'S

Al CAPONE'S
By: Salomon Ella

There’s a pizza shop on Summer Street in Boston called Al Capone’s. Looking at it from the inside it really doesn’t distinguish itself as a pizza place from any other on the Eastern seaboard. It’s got the Frank Sinatra pictures on the walls, dozens of pizzas slowly chilling behind a glass partition, and some fat sweaty man ordering all the employees around and maintaining a healthy level of tension. All that’s great. But what really draws a crowd is their notorious 20 inch steak and cheese submarine sandwich. During my regular Monday afternoon hangover, I happened upon the restaurant on my lunch break and decided to finally grow a pair and try to finish one of these bad mother fuckers in one sitting. I’m writing this now, a week later, because I just finished pooping it out.

I ordered the large steak and cheese with onions, peppers and mushrooms to go because I like to catch up on the latest onion articles while eating lunch. When I ordered, the women asked me if I wanted Mayonnaise, lettuce and tomato on my steak and cheese. 2 things. First, I appreciate mayonnaise at times but do I want it on my massive grease explosion of a sandwich that’s already drenched in meat and cheese drippings? I can’t imagine what a standard portion of mayo on one of these sandwiches is but it has got to be enough to lube up all characters in a Sabrina Johnson film (Look it up, you won’t regret it)*. Second, who the fuck is putting lettuce and tomato on a steak and cheese sandwich? Let’s leave the salad for the ladies.

The sub is a monstrosity once the meat in sitting all cozy in its roll. Think Rosie O’Donnell’s arm. That’s about it in width and length. So of course I was a little disappointed when they cut it in two and wrapped the halves separately. I wanted people to see me walking down the road with it. Of course they would be thinking, “well if he’s carrying a sandwich like that, I’ve got to see what he’s got in his pants!”. And I would happily tell them. “I’ve got the change from the sandwich I just purchased at Al Capone’s sub shop in my pants. Not much more”.

So I sat down at my desk to dine. I like to begin in the middle of the sub and work my way to the end. This helps to minimize sandwich filling droppings and it makes for the first bight to be the most delicious. And this first bight was quite delicious. The vegetable to meat ratio was just right and the beef was neither sinewy nor shaved too thin. When you eat a steak and cheese, you want to believe there is actual steak in there, not ground beef with cheese sauce. Side note: I’ve been to Philadelphia and I’ve had the “famous” steak and cheese at Geno’s and I was not impressed. The Philadelphia steak and cheese is about as overhyped as the Dallas Cowboys, except instead of Tony Romo, you get an average sized roll filled with beef shavings and cheeze wiz. My Al Capone’s sandwich had a lot more personality. It was dynamic and juicy but stuck to the tenants of what makes a great steak and cheese. And that’s a shit ton of meat.

About 20 minutes after beginning this endeavor, it ended. The last 3 bights were tough to get down, but I triumphed. 2 hours later I sat at my desk, still uncomfortably full and shaking involuntarily. 2 hours after that I was still telling everyone who sits around me that I had completed the Al Capone’s 20 inch steak and cheese challenge for lunch. Despite them ignoring my boosting, I could smell the jealousy just permeating off them. It was embarrassing how badly they reeked of jealousy. Or maybe the stink was coming from my grease soaked pants.

*I looked it up. Sabrina Johnson is a Lady among women. I’d like to start my own Sabrina Johnson fan club. But instead of gathering for meetings we would of course meet weekly in an online chat room and pass our favorite clips to each other. Celebrating Sabrina requires a locked door.

Week Four NFL Picks

WEEK 4 NFL PICKS

LOCK OF THE WEEK

CIN (-5.5) @ CLE

First, a special thanks to reader Tim O. from New York for sending in this week's Lock of the Week image. Great work Tim. Second, if you were to have told me a few weeks ago that the Bengals would have been a Lock during this season I would have called you crazy. This just shows how much has changed in under a month. During that time, the Browns have scored only one offensive TD (a meaningless one in the final seconds of a blowout). During the same period, the Bengals have stepped up with an incredible defense the has thwarted its opponents rushing attacks. Add in a QB controversy and an injured starting RB for the Browns and this game has blowout written all over it.

Sunday 1pm

DET (+10.5) @ CHI

Ride those Lions while they're hot? Not exactly, but I still like the points here. In the last five meetings between these teams, the Bears have only won once by ten or more points. Also, the Bears haven't won a game this season by ten or more despite the hot start.

IND (-8.5) vs. SEA

I expect the Colts to go up early in this one and keep the game in control with a steady does of Donald Brown in the second half. The Seahawks are too banged up right now to compete on the road with a team of this caliber.

NYG (-9.5) @ KC

Ditto my analysis for the Colts/Hawks game.

WASH (-7.5) vs. TB

I'm actually not too confident in this pick at all. I've just really been enjoying my season of going against the Bucs every week.

JAX (+2.5) vs. TEN

What have the Titans shown us so far this season. They've proved that their defense is not nearly as good as it was last year and they've proved that Kerry Collins has no chance of being as effective as he was last season. How does that equal them being a road favorite??? I don't know either.

OAK (+9.5) @ HOU

I think that the Raiders match up very well with the Texans. They have Nnamdi Asomugha at corner to match up with Johnson and take away the need most teams have to double him. Once you have Johnson covered, suddenly the top weapons of Slaton and Daniels are much easier to contain. Also, the Raiders big problem this year has been offense. Well, the Texans defense is to bad offense as chicken soup is to the common cold. Houston has allowed a 100 yard rusher in each game so far this year.

NE (-2.5) vs. BAL

This game is a coin flip and could be a preview of the AFC Championship game. I'll go with the Pats due to experience and the home field.

Sunday 4:05 pm

NYJ (+6.5) @ NO

Tough call on this one but I think the Revis will neutralize some of the incredible passing attack of Brees and the Saints might have to grind it out with Pierre Thomas to take this one. Should stay a close game unless there is some late scoring.

MIA (+1.5) vs. BUF

There are an awful lot of home underdogs this week and that is music to my ears. During the first three weeks the most positive thing the Bills have done is beat up on lowly Tampa and they are a road favorite against a team with a good defense that can run the ball? Add in the brewing TO controversy and I expect the Fish to handle business at home.

Sunday 4:15pm

DEN (+3.5) vs. DAL

I know the Broncos haven't beaten the cream of the crop on their way to a 3-0 record, but who have the Cowboys beaten that's any better to be a road favorite? I think this is Vegas taking advantage of Cowboys fans.

SF (-10.5) vs STL

the 49ers are 3-0 ATS. Ride her til she bucks you.

Sunday 8:20pm

SD (+6.5) @ PIT

The Steelers seem to have fallen into a post-Super Bowl hangover which is good news for the rest of the AFC. Maybe they'll show something at home, but the Chargers are too talented to bet against when given that many points.

Monday 8:30pm

MIN (-3.5) vs. GB

Count me among those who think Brett is looking to really beat the piss out of his old team. Still, he won't have nearly as much to do with the win as, of course AP, but also the Vikings defense. Remember that this Packers O-Line gave up 7 sacks against the Bengals. Now they are facing a more talented front four including world-class pass rusher Jared Allen. I still expect a high scoring game, but I don't think the Packers will be able to hang when it comes to the end.

RECORD TO DATE:

LOCK OF THE WEEK 2-1

OVERALL 29-19

LAST WEEK 11-5

Week Three NFL Picks

WEEK 3 NFL PICKS

presents:"Ron Burgundy Week"

LOCK OF THE WEEK

NYJ (-2.5) vs. TEN
"Don't act like you're not impressed!"
The Jets really manhandled the Patriots with a blitzing scheme last week that had Brady throwing off his back foot and looking rattled. So far this season the Jets D is let to allow a TD and while I don't think that will continue too long, I do think that they will force Kerry Collins into a few costly turnovers that will spring the team to some quick scores. You've got to play the hot hand some times and that's exactly what the Jets are. Meanwhile, the Titans have lost four in a row and five out of six. Without Haynesworth in the middle taking on double teams, their D looks beatable. The two QBs they've faced have put up monster fantasy numbers, which means that Sanchez may work as a spot starter if you are desperate.

.

Sunday 1pm

PIT (-4.5) @ CIN

"And a tip of the cap to you, Miss Corningstone"

This goes to the Bengals for their surprise win at Green Bay, their surprise seven sacks from the defense, and the surprise return to fantasy relevance by Palmer, Benson, and Ochocinco. Still the Steelers own the Bengals historically and I expect the world to go back on its axis as Roethlisberger's throws his way to a road win. I don't see any way that the champs drop below .500

DET (+6.5) vs. WASH

"Don't get me wrong, I love the ladies. I mean they rev my engines, but they don't belong in the newsroom."

I'm counting both of these teams as ladies and the newsroom is the NFL. They are terrible. Take the points. Next.

GB (-6.5) @ STL

"Where'd you get your clothes... from the... toilet store?"

Substitute clothes with players and maybe we've come across the Rams problem. hmmmm? I would feel comfortable starting anyone on the Packers offense in fantasy. Despite playing at Lambeau, this teams looks like it was build to play on turf. Could be very high scoring.

SF (+7.5) @ MIN

"Sweet Lincoln's Mullet"

Seems about the right way to react when seeing that the 49ers are 2-0. Despite the surprise I really like the way they play led by Gore's rushing and a strong, aggressive defense. Expect this one to stay close and San Fran may even pull off an upset.

NE (-4.5) vs. ATL

"Ohh, it's the deep burn. Oh, it's so deep. Oh, I can barely lift my right arm 'cause I did so many. I don't know if you heard me counting. I did over a thousand."

It seems like Brady is throwing about a thousand times each week with the sorry excuse for a running game that the Pats feature. Maroney should be benched and all of his carries should be given to Taylor, who knows how to hit a hole with speed (that's what she said) and pick up yards after contact. Still, the Patriots record under Bill Belichek following defeats (especially at home) is phenomenal and impossible to ignore. Expect the Pats to be ready to play and handle their business at home.

KC (+9.5) @ PHI

"Smells like Bigfoot's dick."

A game between a team battling injuries and a team that sucks all the time. I think that the Chiefs will manage to keep this close because I expect some turnovers from the Eagles inexperienced starter, Kolb.

NYG (-7.5) @ TB

"You smelly pirate hooker"

This seems appropriate for the Bucs. I'm still betting against Tampa every week until they prove me wrong. I could do this all season.

BAL (-13.5) vs. CLE

"I'm very important. I have many leather-bound books and my apartment smells of rich mahogany."

The Ravens reminded everyone last week on the road that they are still a dominant force on the defensive side of the ball when they have to be. The thing that's interesting about this team is how good they have become on offense in such a short period of time. Flacco is a stud. The running game will wear you out and all of their options are a threat receiving from the backfield. The only thing that I think could derail this team this season is peaking too early or injuries.

HOU (-3.5) vs. JAX

"Apparently, my son was on something called "Acid," and was shooting a bow and arrow into a crowd."

I just like this quote. It has nothing to do with the game.

Sunday 4:05pm

CHI (-2.5) @ SEA

"The only way to bag a classy lady is to give her two tickets to the gun show..."

Cutler sure showed off the gun show last week in winning over the home crowd with a come from behind 4th quarter victory at Soldier Field. Expect that momentum to carry over and the Bears defense to confuse a Seahawks team with huge question marks at QB with Hasselbeck's latest rib injury.

NO (-5.5) @ BUF

"Dorothy Mantooth is a saint!"

Dorothy Mantooth also knows how to score! Spreads don't really matter to this team because their offense is built to blow out the opposition. They are reminding me of the record setting 2007 Patriots squad (on the offensive side of the ball).

Sunday 4:15pm

DEN (+1.5) @ OAK

"Veronica Corningstone and I had sex, and now we are in love!"

This message goes to the fans of both team as they seem to be getting too excited too early about some easy matchups and wins. Still the Broncos should be able to take advantage of QB Russell and win this game.

MIA (+5.5) @ SD

"Discovered by the Germans in 1904, they named it San Diego, which of course in German means a whale's vagina."

The Chargers run defense will be about the size of a whale's vagina with the loss of Williams in the middle. The wildcat offense led by Ronnie Brown should have a field day.

Sunday 8:20pm

IND (+1.5) @ ARZ

"I'm storming your castle on my steed, m'lady."

I expect that the Colts will go to Arizona and experience little trouble getting the job done. They have the type of quick defensive line that gives the Cardinals O-line trouble. This means they'll be in Warner's face all day long and force quick throws and check downs. On the flip side, the Colts O will face little resistance with passing options Wayne and Clark still playing like dominant forces despite the offseason loss of Marvin Harrison.

.

Monday 8:30pm

CAR (+9.5) @ DAL

"It's so damn hot... milk was a bad choice."

Wade Phillips is going to be feeling the heat from Jerry Jones if he doesn't get his team together in time to win at home in the new stadium/circus in Dallas. So far I have seen nothing from the Cowboys for them to deserve being 9.5 point favorites, unless they are playing the Bucs, Lions, or Rams. Also, Delhomme put together a nice game versus an improving Falcons defense and the running game will benefit greatly once he makes a few more plays to stop them from putting eight in the box.

2009 RECORD
LOCK OF THE WEEK: 1-1
OVERALL: 18-14
LAST WEEK: 8-8

Week Two NFL Picks

WEEK TWO NFL PICKS
LOCK OF THE WEEK

PIT (-2.5) @ CHI

The Defending Champs have covered a spread of -2.5 nine times in their last ten games. This includes difficult games including last season's Superbowl run and regular season matchups against powerhouses like New England, Tennessee, Baltimore and Dallas. Meanwhile, the Bears have now played four consecutive games where they have not covered. What I'm saying is that this spread is way to low for a Pittsburgh team with those type of results playing against a Bears team that clearly hasn't gelled together with its new QB and just suffered the devastating loss to its best defensive player. So make your bet and count your money. This one reminds me of Mandy Moore because its sweet like candy! LOCK IT UP!

Sunday 1pm games

MIN (-9.5) @ DET

Expect huge fantasy production from Peterson this week. Also, expect big numbers from Favre. I expect Childress will try to get him more involved against a soft defense to help him gain some momentum and the confidence of his teammates for the rest of the season. As with every Lions game until they prove differently...take the over as well.

GB (-9.5) vs. CIN

The Bengals have a lot of talk from Chad Ochocinco this week about doing a Lambeau Leap when he scores a TD. I don't see that happening unless its a meaningless score late in a blowout. The Packers sputtered out of the gate against a solid Bears defense last week, but once they got it going they looked sharp. I loved the accuracy and decision making from Rodgers as well. When the O was struggling early he didn't try to force plays which let him stay away from turnovers.

TEN (-7.5) vs. HOU

I watched the Texans get manhandled by the Jets last week from start to finish and really was disappointed. For a team that was hyped so heavily coming out of the preseason they were awful. Now, they play a team that is more physical and more talented than the Jets and they have to play them in their own building. The Titans have also had the extra few days to prepare for this matchup since they opened the season on Thursday.

OAK (+3.5) @ KC

The Raiders impressed me last week with their defense. I knew they had talent and it looks as though the missing piece was a leader like Seymour to pull the squad together. I still think that their offense will be bad until they give up on JaMarcus (or move him to another position) but against the Chiefs that won't be too much of a factor.

NE (-5.5) @ NYJ

Keep talking Ryan. Keep talking Rhodes. And while you're talking, try to ignore the fact that the Patriots have won EIGHT straight games at the Meadowlands. After the ninth straight please prepare yourself to kiss our Superbowl rings.

NO (+1.5) @ PHI

I don't really know what to make of this game. Two of the best looking teams based on week one performances. I side with the Saints for two reasons. 1)The McNabb injury. We still don't know if he's going to play and I don't trust Kolb; 2)Some of the Eagles' scores were on fluky plays. They got a TD on a punt return and their defense set up a lot of the other scores. Not that its a bad thing to have a defense set up scores, its just that without Delhomme tossing up 4 quick picks* I'm not convinced they didn't already have their best showing of the season.

ATL (-6.5) vs. CAR
Speaking of Jake, this pick is a vote of no confidence in him. The Panthers look about as bright as the guy to the right when they gave him $20M guaranteed this offseason. Funny story: I just went to google to type in Jake Delhomme to search for images. The two options that google automatically populated were Jake Delhomme Wife and Jake Delhomme Crying. Two things and one is crying. hahahahaha.

WASH (-10.5) vs. STL

Saint Louis this season might make last year's Detroit team look good. They should probably change their mascot from the Rams to this guy.

JAX (-3.5) vs. ARZ

I'm expecting a monster game from Jones-Drew in this one against the sub par Cardinals d-line. Against the Colts, the Jags proved that they are still a physical team that will be competitive each and every game. Also, the Cardinals passing attack was weak last week. With all their injuries at WR, it is too easy for teams to double Fitzgerald and make Warner go to his check downs or force passes and hope Larry makes a play. That leads to too many turnovers to win.

Sunday 4:05pm games

SEA (+1.5) @ SF

This is a very important game for these teams for this early in the season. With both the Rams and Cardinals as underdogs, the team who wins this will have a 2-0 record in the NFC West, giving them a solid leg up on the division. I like the experience of Hasselbeck at QB for a game like this. Also, looking back at recent seasons, the Seahawks have won 3 of the last 4 contests and all three wins were by 20 or more points. That's a very impressive margin.

BUF (-4.5) vs. TB

I stated last week that I hate Tampa this year and that I would bet against them every week until they cover. Meanwhile, despite handing the game over late, the Bills should have a lot of confidence based on how well they played against a tough New England team on the road. Expect the Bills to romp.

Sunday 4:15pm games

DEN (-3.5) vs. CLE

These are two very similar teams so I'm going to side with the home squad. I really couldn't care less about this matchup.

BAL (+4.5) @ SD

Based upon last week's performances it looked like this spread should be the other way around. The Chargers pulled out a win but Tomlinson looked terrible and Rivers wasn't that great either, missing a lot of open receivers and holding the ball too long. On the flip side, I loved what the Ravens did by allowing Flacco to throw the ball 43 times including some shots deep. Last season he was relegated to short and mid range passes only. While doing this, they also found a way to keep three rushers involved. Ray Rice looks like the leader of the group, but McClain got some goal line carries and McGahee suddenly looks like a great threat as a third down option. Look out for this team.

Sunday 8:20pm game

DAL (-2.5) vs. NYG

This pick is a gut call. I was impressed with Romo's ability to get everyone involved now that TO is out of the way. I'm already starting to second guess myself for not taking Roy Williams on any of my fantasy squads. For the Giants, they only played well enough to win and don't have a big play threat on the offense.

Monday 8:30pm game

IND (-3.5) @ MIA

Last week when I said Miami would be bad I didn't think they'd be that awful. Only a very late TD avoided a shutout in their opener as the Falcons completely man-handled them. I don't think that Fish fans will be very happy to hear this, but with their schedule they could easily be 1-7 after eight games. I'd feel safer betting on the team to the right.

.

2009 RECORD

LOCK OF THE WEEK: 1-0

OVERALL: 10-6

LAST WEEK: 10-6

*Did anyone else think MegaMillions when they read quick picks. sweetaction!

Week One NFL Picks

WEEK ONE NFL PICKS

LOCK OF THE WEEK

MIN (-3.5) vs. CLE
Let's be honest...you have about as much chance of picking an NFL game in week one of the season correctly by guessing as you would by throwing darts. (unless I do well this week...then forget I said that). Still...we need to look at a few trends from last season and carry them over to this opener. Minnesota was a dominating 6-2 at home on the season while Cleveland struggled at 3-5 on the road and ended the season on a 6 game losing streak, 5 of those by double digits. Looking at roster moves, the Vikings have upgraded at QB to Favre who is notorious for his fast starts. The Browns meanwhile have only announced a few days before the start of the season that pretty-boy Brady Quinn will be the human punching bag behind a porous line that truly is offensive. LOCK IT UP!!!

Thursday 8:30pm

PIT (-5.5) vs. TEN

The defending champs at home with the energy that the loyal home crowd will give them...no doubt the pick here is Pittsburgh. Tennessee's strength of run attack will be negated by Pittsburgh's punishing defense and will cause many of Johnson and White's fantasy owners to be sorely disappointed in Week 1.

Sunday 1pm

MIA (+4.5) @ ATL
In my opinion this is game between the two biggest impostors from last season. Both enjoyed unbelievably favorable schedules and got smoked once in the playoffs. I'd be surprised if either team (especially the Fish) finished the year above .500. Take the points.

DEN (+3.5) @ CIN

Cheering in this game is like rooting for either AIDS or cancer. I choose AIDS, because they are getting the points.

JAX (+6.5) @ IND

Historically Jacksonville has done very well against Peyton and the Colts whether it be at home or in Indy. While I don't predict a strong season for the Jags, I do expect them to keep this a one score game. Don't forget that last season the Colts were a heavy favorite on opening night to the Bears (who were predicted to be awful) and they lost the game outright. With some change in Indy (i.e. - Harrison is gone for the first time in a decade) I expect this offense to take a little time to really get it going.

NO (-11.5) vs. DET
First, take a long look at the the over in this game as I predict a ton of points. The Lions have shown no reason to believe that they will win or be competitive in this game. I would rather cheer for the guy to the right than the Lions. However, be aware that while the Lions suck, they are extremely relevant in fantasy leagues for two reasons: 1)They have two beasts in Calvin Johnson and Kevin Smith; 2) You should be comfortable starting whatever Defense they are playing against since rookie QB Stafford will throw more than his share of interceptions this season.

DAL (-3.5) @ TB
Mark my words...Tampa Bay will be terrible this season. I will pick against them every week until they prove me differently (and hopefully that doesn't happen in week one).

PHI (+0.5) @ CAR

The Eagles are my pick to emerge from the NFC as conference champions. They have a great blend of talent on both sides of the ball and in the last few years have started to add playmakers in Jackson and the rookie Machlin that were missing from all there runs in the early 2000's (with the exception of the TO experiment). At the same time I expect a small regression from Carolina after an overachieving 12-4 record last season.

KC (+8.5) @ BAL

I have nothing to back this up. I just think the Baltimore D is going to show its age one of these season and since they aren't the type of team to blow you out, 8.5 points seems high for week one.

HOU (-4.5) vs. NYJ
Fuck the fatty Rex Ryan and the Jets. Here he is showing you how big the pile of cocks he had to suck to finally get a head coaching job was.

Sunday 4:15pm

WASH (+6.5) @ NYG

Opening weekend division rivals should never be more than 3.5 point spreads away. Therefore, I'll take the points and count my cash. Also worth noting is that these two teams have gone under in each of the last four matchups with each other. Bet accordingly.

SF (+6.5) @ ARZ
Arizona is not as good as you think. They struggled to a 9-7 record in the worst division in the history of pro football last season before their playoff run. Meanwhile, the 49ers made strides in finishing 7-9 behind the strong play of Shaun Hill and the always dangerous Frank Gore. I've said it before and I'll say it again during week one...take the points!

SEA (-7.5) vs. STL

Don't take the points here. Seattle is back to being the same team that has dominated this division for the better part of the decade with Matt Hasselback being healthy again. The Rams made the right offseason moves in trying to improve a woeful O-Line, but realizing the rewards will take some time.

Sunday 8:20pm

GB (-3.5) vs. CHI

The Packers won both matchups last season with the Bears ATS and an improved defense will only help. I am not as impressed with Jay Cutler as many other people are and think that with him being taken out of a gunslinger Mike Shannahan offense that he will revert to being an average QB. Take the Pack at home.

Monday 7pm

NE (-10.5) vs. BUF

The Patriots flat out dominate the Bills. Add this to the fact that Brady will be making his long awaited return to regular season action, Belichik's love of running up the score, and the Bills general chaos - we've got the makings for a blowout. I just got too excited writing about my Pats...I need to change my Depends.

Monday 10:15pm

SD (-6.5) @ OAK

As long as Al Davis is at the wheel it sure is hard to put any faith into the Raiders isn't it? Still....what a smile! How do you remain so non-creepy Mr. Davis?

Happy Betting in Week One to everyone! Let's get off to a profitable season!!!

Season Long NFL Picks Challenge

Interested in making picks of your own to test your ability against the sweetactionpicks.com Pick Master? You're in luck! Join our group and get in on the fun! We are hosting a readers contest where each week YOU pick every game on the schedule. At the end of the season, whoever makes the most correct picks wins! It's that easy! For winning you will receive both bragging right and a to-be-determined prize!!!* See how happy this respectable young woman was when she won last year?

To Enter just check out our eligibility requirements and follow this link: http://games.espn.go.com/pigskin/en/frontpage** to enter the following information:
Group: SweetActionPicks
Password: Ted'sTinyPenis

You won't be sorry!

Eligibility requirements:

• You must be a resident of the United States.
• You must be registered as a blog follower of sweetactionpicks.com (this can be done easily and free by clicking the "follow this blog" icon to the right and creating a username).
• You can still play even if your mom owns 10+ dildos.
• Your team name must be funny/offensive.

Thank You all for your interest.

-Dick Pickles

*If we have enough participation we will also create a runner-up prize.
**sweetactionpicks.com is in no way, shape, or form affiliated with espn.com, its parent, or any of its partner companies. They are simply being used to create a gamepage to keep track of our picks and results. In fact, espn would probably be very, very ashamed of sweetactionpicks.com if it did own it. We are not very family friendly here.

READER TESTIMONIALS

Hello Fans of Sweetactionpicks:

As I'm sure you've all heard, there has been a tremendous amount of buzz going around the World Wide Web concerning sweetactionpicks.com and its success. In an effort to thank all of our fans we decided that it would be nice to recognize some of the comments that you have sent us showing your appreciation of the site. Thanks to everyone who has written in!!!

-Dick Pickles; Senior Writer, sweetactionpicks.com

"Sweetactionpicks makes me laugh so hard my dick hurts. When I need advice on healthy eating, why I should beat puppies during football season, or where Sawyer is blowing guys for bus fare, I always go to sweetactionpicks.com. I've also learned the best way to invest my money by blindly throwing my savings behind the Pick Guru's Lock-of-the-WeekTM. Its free money and advice! If you don't like it, then fuck you!"

-S. Tate; Phoenix, AZ

"There are only two things in this world that I do more than go to the gym. One is cry in the dark like a coward. The second is reading sweetactionpicks.com so that I can gather my gambling knowledge to win money so I can purchase more roofies and steroids."

-C. Burkhardt; Charlestown, MA

"Being a homosexual male isn't very easy in this society and hiding it is even harder. It is for this reason that I go out out of my way to act masculine and pretend that I like sports. However, picking up and showing my knowledge to others isn't easy since the gay gene has taken over and infected my brain. Thanks to sweetactionpicks.com I have a place that I can learn about sports and stay in the closet for at least a few more years. Thanks Dick Pickles!"

-T. Sawyer; Sommerville, MA

"As a woman I was born with an inability to comprehend or play sports with any level of effectiveness. My pea-sized brain* and floppy vagina constantly get in the way. Sure, people will humor me and say that I'm ok but they are clearly lying just to be nice. I am especially terrible at fantasy sports but now that I have sweetactionpicks.com to go to for advice I will find all the fantasy help I need. Its so good it can even bail me out!!! ;)"

-C. Vestal; Sommerville, MA

"As a pompous city dweller, I find it increasingly difficult to find common ground with Joe Everyman and Stan Bluecollar. This divide is exacerbated by the fact that I have a fetish for Japanese choirboys, and enjoy wearing women's shoes and a man purse. But thanks to Sweetactionpicks, I've been able to reconnect with my fellow man by talking shop about the Football matches. Thank you Sweetactionpicks!"

-T. O'Brien; New York City, New York

"Not long ago I made the mistake of gift-wrapping my testicles for a woman to hang on to for the rest of my life. I will never see these again. Without them I have no idea how to (nor am I allowed to) enjoy the finer things in life such as binge eating fast food and betting my own money without written approval. The two things I have going for me are that I live in the delightful state of Delaware and that sweetactionpicks.com has allowed me to live vicariously through others who still have far more freedom than I'll ever be able to enjoy again."

-M. Butler; Wilmington, DE

"When I need gambling advice, I always know what to do! I call my mom and have her pay the cable company so they turn the Internet back on, then log onto Sweetactionpicks to get the most up-to-date gambling strategy. And the only thing Sweetactionpicks does better than advising you what to do with your own money, is advising you what to do with your parent’s cash! It’s also a great reprieve from endlessly e-mailing disease ridden, scurvy ravaged stalkers from CraigsList. I credit Sweetactionpicks for giving me a reason to continue to live . . . without it I have nothing."

-D. Simollardes; Waltham, MA

*Its Science. Look it up.

FANTASY FOOTBALL 2009

FANTASY FOOTBALL 2009

Ladies . . . Gentlemen . . . Vestal,

Can you believe that Fantasy Football is upon us again?

I feel like my rage over Vestal coming in second place just recently subsided. Like I only just stopped laughing at Burkhardt winning zero dollars. And it feels like only yesterday that Sawyer’s breath smelled like his dad’s cock.

But it’s been almost 8 long months (or in Burkhardt’s case, three rather expeditious restraining orders) since Zombie Rapefest won the T-Rex Justice League championship. Now its time to get this thing going again; but before we get to the league info, I would like to extend a heartfelt welcome back to all of the pieces of shit that participated in this league last year.

The basic league info is as follows:
League Name: T-Rex Justice League
League ID#: 358350
Password: 2Mannings1cup
Draft Time: Thursday, September 3rd, 9:00PM eastern

Teams: 12
Entry Fee: $100
Payouts: Most points during the regular season $400, first place finish $500, second finish $200, third place finish $100
League URL: http://football.fantasysports.yahoo.com/league/chris_burkhardt_is_a_faggot

There a couple tweaks of the rules from last year, the main one being that there will be no individual return yards awarded. Like most leagues, scoring in the return game will still be tacked on to the DEF score, but Jonny Lee Higgins can officially hold Vestal’s hand and jump off a cliff.

Also, I’ve tentatively moved the championship game up to the second to last game of the season so star players are less likely to be rested and fantasy teams can remain intact.

The last order of business is letting me know whether or not you are going to join the league this year. A few of you have already signed up, so I know you’re playing; but if you don’t plan on joining please let me know ASAP. We have other people who are looking to join the league if you’re not interested, so much so that the idea of a 14 team league is being floated. So everyone please send me an email at tate.sean@gmail.com letting me know: 1) whether or not you’re playing this year; 2) whether you are in favor or opposed to 14 teams being included (the payouts would obviously be increased with more teams); and 3) any rules/scoring/roster/draft time issues you have.

League Settings:
Max Teams: 12 (could go to 14 if people are in agreement)
Scoring Type: Head-to-Head
Start Scoring on: Week 1
Max Moves: No maximum
Max Acquisitions per Week: No maximum
Max Trades: No maximum
Trade Reject Time: 4
Trade End Date: November 20, 2009
Trade Review: League Votes
Waiver Time: 3 days
Waiver Type: Continual rolling list
Weekly Waivers: None
Post Draft Players: Follow Waiver Rules
Playoffs: Week 14, 15 and 16 (6 teams)
Divisions: No
Roster Positions: QB, WR, WR, RB, RB, TE, W/R, K, DEF, BN, BN, BN, BN, BN

Offense
Completions .3
Passing Yards 25 yards per point
3 points at 300 yards
5 points at 450 yards
Passing Touchdowns 6
Interceptions -2
Sacks -.5
Rushing Yards 10 yards per point
3 points at 100 yards
5 points at 200 yards
Rushing Touchdowns 6
Receptions .5
Reception Yards 10 yards per point
3 points at 100 yards
5 points at 200 yards
Reception Touchdowns 6
2-Point Conversions 2
Fumbles Lost -2
Offensive Fumble Return TD 6

Kickers
Field Goals 0-19 Yards 3
Field Goals 20-29 Yards 3
Field Goals 30-39 Yards 3
Field Goals 40-49 Yards 4
Field Goals 50+ Yards 5
Field Goals Missed 0-19 Yards -1
Field Goals Missed 20-29 Yards -1
Field Goals Missed 30-39 Yards 0
Field Goals Missed 40-49 Yards 0
Field Goals Missed 50+ Yards 0
Point After Attempt Made 1
Point After Attempt Missed -1

Defense/Special Teams
Sack 1
Interception 2
Fumble Recovery 2
Touchdown 6
Safety 2
Block Kick 2
Kickoff and Punt Return Touchdowns 6
Points Allowed 0 points 10
Points Allowed 1-6 points 7
Points Allowed 7-13 points 4
Points Allowed 14-20 points 1
Points Allowed 21-27 points 0
Points Allowed 28-34 points -1
Points Allowed 35+ points -4

Let the games/hate begin!

Your faithful Commissioner,
Lester Cockensctuff

AND THE WINNER IS...

I would like to thank everyone for there submissions (ever though many of them were terrible and required no thought; c'mon d-bags). In the illustrious history of sweetactionpicks.com we have never had a contest that has received so much buzz and interest. I will not be writing extensively on the burger but instead will tell you that once I got around the daunting task of fitting my mouth around it, the experience was divine. I strongly recommend this sandwich to anyone with a big appetite.

(that expression you see is pure joy)

Since there was no one entry that came through as a clear cut winner, I created a grading system based upon each category of offensiveness, creativity, and humor worth five points each.

Now, I will go through each entry from worst to first:

The How's Ya Fathah? (0,0,0), 0 Points: This entry was not offensive, funny, or creative. It earned the distinction of worst entry!

The PapelBurger (0,1,0), 1 Point: While I appreciate any reference to my beloved Sox closer, this was not the competition for this entry.

You Alone Made Us Lose To The Colts In January 2007 By Not Coming To My House To Watch The Game Like You Did For The Other Two Playoff Games Where We Were Underdogs But Still Managed To Win!!! (0,0,1), 1 Point: This is probably only funny to me because I've been getting shit for this ever since that game.

Holcomb's Worst Idea (After Pink Shirts) (0,0,1), 1 Point: This entry was a personal attack at my impeccable fashion sense. For shame.
The Peter Griffin (0,0,1), 1 Point

The Awesome-O (0,1,1), 2 Points

The McGangbang Lite (2,0,0), 2 Points: While this entry gained some points for its offensiveness, I feel that I should have deducted points for creativeness. A retard with head trauma could have come up with this entry

The McPoopypants (1,1,1), 3 Points: Poop is funny.

The McStreetWalker (1,1,1), 3 Points

The Suck It (2,0,1), 3 Points

The Meatwad (0,2,1), 3 Points: If anyone isn't aware this entry is a reference to the show Aqua Teen Hunger Force which is a personal favorite of mine and that explains why it reached 3 points.

The Poopwich (1,2,2), 5 Points: Poop is still funny.

The Obesewich (1,3,2), 6 Points

Daddy Daycare (1,2,5), 8 Points: This entry makes absolutely no sense whatsoever, but everyone who I've spoken with has laughed when they hear it. Therefore, it achieved a respectable score by receiving a perfect 5 for being humorous.

Emannual Lewis Floating In The Toilet (2,3,3), 8 Points:

The Interracial Tall Stack (3,2,3), 8 Points: A solid, yet unspectacular overall entry.

Big “McGangbang” Machine (Pronounced Mak-sheeen) (1,5,3), 9 Points: Carried by its creativity, I loved the use of the McGangbang and the pronunciation to differentiate this entry. Still, needed to be a lot more offensive to catch my attention.

The McManus Burger (1,5,3), 9 Points: This one is hilarious to those who attended Bromfield but lacks the commercial appeal to be a serious contender.

The Richard McBeef (3,5,1), 9 Points: Google Richard McBeef if you don't know why this scored so high.

A N's Last Meal (5,2,3), 10 Points

The Plunger Stimulus Package (1,5,4), 10 Points

Ruben Studdard In A Bun (2,3,5), 10 Points: Cause he's fat...get it?

Shaq's Meat Missile (5,2,3), 10 Points: Cause he's got a huge cock...get it?

4 All Beef Patties, Special Sauce and Diarrhea (3,4,4), 11 Points: This may have been able to score higher if the last line in fact came true.

Colon Mustard's Last Stand (2,5,4), 11 Points: Just a great entry. Loved everything about it.

The Liza McSmelly (2,5,4), 11 Points: This entry has everything but offensiveness. Still, should the winner be unable to fulfill her duties the Liza McSmelly will take the pageant crown as the first runner-up.

The McBukkake (5,3,4), 12 Points: Congratulations to TIM from NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK for winning the contest with this entry. It would have been a travesty to not award this to an entry that started with "Mc" and this was by far the best of the bunch and led the way in terms of offensiveness. You will receive your t-shirt in the next 6-8 weeks (or when I see you).

-Dick Pickles

A LOVE LETTER: BACON CHEESY POTATO BURRITO

July 10, 2009

Dearest Taco Bell,

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways:
1) Cheese Sauce
2) Seasoned Meat
3) Crispy Potatoes
4) Bacon

(it was love at first Bite)

I could go on but you had me at bacon. All of your ingredient mixed together in a warm flour tortilla was wonderful. Seeing your sign as I drive through Hudson makes my day, every day. Your ability to somehow fit bacon into each and every bite took my breath away. I'll never know how you manage to keep your potatoes so crispy despite being smothered in all those softer ingredients but I know you do it for me. It is in your ability to mix so many strong flavors that caught my eye when I was a young lad and your ability to keep things spicy over the years has kept me eternally by your side. Even when I take a bite and know that it was way too salty, I know that you were only trying too hard to please me. Please don't ever change.

"'Cause we belong together now,

Forever united here somehow,

You got a piece of me...and honestly,

My life would suck without you."

Forever Yours With Love,

Dick Pickles

The Carls Jr. Double Six Dollar Burger Meal

While senior writer Dick Pickles is taking a break for finals, freelance writer and frequent sweetactionpicks contributor Lester Cockenschtuff has offered to review of a burger that is so unhealthy that it is the equivalent of 54 slices of bacon. I would like to remind all readers that Lester is a seasoned and trained professional and that you should not, under any circumstances, try this at home. Without further hesitation...


The Carls Jr. Double Six Dollar Burger Meal
by: By Lester Cockenschtuff

I would like to preface this review by telling you that my heart literally hurt after consuming this burger. To be sure, there is little doubt that I have consumed a greasier meal in my life; but the Double Six Dollar Burger has thoroughly impressed me.

Also, I would like to extend my heartfelt thanks to the rebellious employee who was generous enough to slip a single waffle fry into my box of plain, old fashioned, french fries. While I did not specifically ask for the waffle fry, I know that you only pursued this act of sedition so that during my subsequent visit I would be aware that waffle fries were a viable menu option. I am in your debt.

Back to business. The following is an account of dumping over a pound of beef and a half a pound of fries into my head.

9:48 PM – After an arduous day of getting drunk since 10 AM, I sit down with a burger and fry combo that boasts over 2,600 calories and 150 grams of fat . . . I am content.

9:49 PM – I regret not ordering chili on my burger.

(This burger is more formidable than it looks)

9:50 PM – The purging begins. I decide that the only way to handle this thing is as quickly and mindlessly as possible.

9:55 PM – Three quarters of the burgers is gone. I’ve left the fries untouched (except for the waffle fry) in order to wash down the burger, which is getting increasingly difficult to fit inside my beer filled gut.

9:57 PM – I get another beer out of the fridge.

10:05 PM – Mission accomplished. I’m pretty sure I experienced a beef induced black out towards the end.

(My left arm is tingling)

10:30 PM – After my initial thought that I could maintain some semblance of composure, I reduce myself to lying on the bed while moaning and clutching my torso. This continued until I passed out from exhaustion / gastrointestinal pain.

4:30 AM – I discover that, contrary to popular belief, consuming over 125% of your recommended daily sodium intake and then falling asleep without water next to your bed is a horrible way to wake up in the middle of the night.

7:30 AM – I rush to the bathroom for what I can only assume will be an atrocious morning heater; and discover that, despite not consuming any spicy food the day before, I manage to produce a horrifyingly piquant mash.

8:45 AM – Exhausted, sweaty, triumphant – I emerge from the bathroom and settle down to a two hour nap.